No Date/Title

Young Riv, who at 27 isn’t quite so young as his name implies, is a career criminal if there ever was one.  A constant hustler, Riv is a vain, temperamental, and surprisingly intelligent guy who – as he puts it – likes to “live on the edge”.  Nearing the end of his sentence, Riv vows to quit getting high and start up a security consulting firm to help large chain stores (like Wal-Mart and Home Depot) stop hustlers like himself.  As he spends the majority of his time here high as a kite, this casts some doubt on his ability to follow through with said plan.

Currently doing time for a string of charges – robbery, armed robbery, assault, possession of cocaine, fraud, ID theft, escape, and resisting arrest – Young Riv likes to tell stories about ripping off various large chain stores and taking long cross-country road trips while coked to the eyeballs.  The majority of these end with him shoving a pistol in some poor schmuck’s face. Read More »

12-17-09 (1:45 p.m.) Play Along At Home, Kids!*

For those unfortunate few who have heard me complain about my cellie’s stench and wondered what exactly he smells like, I have devised the following home experiment.

First, find and bribe the ripest, most urine-soaked and feces-encrusted “aint had a bath in nigh on thirty years” homeless guy that you can. Extra points awarded if he has vomit chunks in his beard. Next, have him strip down, stand in an extra-large tub, and using a squeegee and water (no soap), thoroughly scrape and rinse as much of the accumulated filth, funk and feces as is reasonably possible.

Remove your homeless dude from the tub (a couple of hot meals and some medical/psychological care wouldn’t go amiss, eh?). Toss into the mix his old clothes, a week-dead rat, and any bodily wastes you might have on your person, and stir until mixed. Strain the contents to remove excess fluids and place the remaining chunky bits into a large, clear plastic bag.

Place bag in the sun to bake for 6-8 hours. Carefully empty the bag, place the now-empty bag over your head, and inhale deeply. You may at this point wish to seek medical attention.

That, my friends, is my cellie. Three cheers for Captain Dumbass and his amazing odor!

*Please note that only you are responsible for your actions no matter what I tell you to do. Do not try this at home.

Oh crap!

I was doing some maintenance stuff and accidentally deleted a comment from Patsie… I am sorry :^(

10-31-09 (8:00 p.m.) Happy Halloween!

I did the boring thing and went as an inmate. Medical let us use the x-ray to see if any of the shanks and hooch we collected had been tampered with, so nobody would go stabbing someone with a knife that had a razor hidden in it. All of my phat lewt was certified razor-free, but I think that the hooch was bad…it smelled like rotten fruit.

10-30-09 (9:30 a.m.) Ten Thousand, One Hundred and Five

Played Red Light/Green Light with the roaches all night last night.  Kill the lights for 5 minutes or so (to lull them into a false sense of security), then turn the light on and kill! kill!  kill!

Fairly certain I annoyed my cellie, but as I live in a permanent cloud of his flatulence that defies description, fuck him.

Going to sleep (finally).  Right…….now!

10-29-09 (9:15 p.m.) Zug Zug

I saw the witch doctor, he told me that I should have surgery on my knee to make the hurting go away. Shoulda taken care this 4 years ago when it happened. Doc sayeth that it has only gotten worse and, if left untreated, will potentially hobble (he said ‘cripple’) me later. I’m opting for surgery.

Nurse said I looked tired. I giggled uncontrollably for a few minutes. She moved away. Will sleep TONIGHT. Dammit. Day 5.

10-28-09 (11:15 p.m.) Wednesday

I hate Wednesday.

Day 4 (???) no meaningful sleep – minor nap from 1 to 1:45 today. Will sleep tonight.

10-27-09 (12:45 a.m.) Minor Scuffle – No Deaths

Dismantled Ninja Death Cell. Of no practical use. Day 3 with no sleep. Feeling unaccountably mean. There may be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. Oh yes, indeed.

10-26-09 (1:45 a.m.) Sleep? Whassat?

Tired, can’t sleep. Visions of sugarplums, etc. etc.

10-25-09 (9:15 p.m.) Nine Thousand, Eight Hundred and Fifty-Three

And counting. Read Homeland, Exile, and Sojourn today. R.A. Salvatore’s only good work to date.