Zejan’s Jail Diaries

For those unfortunate few who have heard me complain about my cellie’s stench and wondered what exactly he smells like, I have devised the following home experiment.

First, find and bribe the ripest, most urine-soaked and feces-encrusted “aint had a bath in nigh on thirty years” homeless guy that you can. Extra points awarded if he has vomit chunks in his beard. Next, have him strip down, stand in an extra-large tub, and using a squeegee and water (no soap), thoroughly scrape and rinse as much of the accumulated filth, funk and feces as is reasonably possible.

Remove your homeless dude from the tub (a couple of hot meals and some medical/psychological care wouldn’t go amiss, eh?). Toss into the mix his old clothes, a week-dead rat, and any bodily wastes you might have on your person, and stir until mixed. Strain the contents to remove excess fluids and place the remaining chunky bits into a large, clear plastic bag.

Place bag in the sun to bake for 6-8 hours. Carefully empty the bag, place the now-empty bag over your head, and inhale deeply. You may at this point wish to seek medical attention.

That, my friends, is my cellie. Three cheers for Captain Dumbass and his amazing odor!

*Please note that only you are responsible for your actions no matter what I tell you to do. Do not try this at home.