6-06-09 (8:45 p.m.) Stabby Stabby Stabby!

July 2, 2009 – 7:50 am

No, I’ve not been stabbed (We are 4 Days Without A Stabbing). I just ran into Stabby McStabberson at the chow hall. He’s doing well, considering the 5 life sentences and all, and he’s been renamed to D-Red, which I think lacks a certain something.

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6-04-09 (4:30 p.m.) No Smile for Joo!

June 30, 2009 – 9:54 am

6-04-09 (4:30 p.m.) No Smile for Joo!

Today was orientation for the new guys. We got to meet and be lectured by the warden, who reminds me of Boss Hogg with hair (no one else sees this but me), but only in a vague and superficial way. In all other respects, he seems like a pretty decent guy. Additional lectures on sexual assault awareness, religious services, phone usage, chain of command, etc., ensued. Once we were all lectured out, they took us to get our IDs, because for some reason our old ones couldn’t be used. I found out that you can’t smile during the ID photos by the simple method of giving the camera a big shit-eating grin and being told “You can’t smile in here! Stop smiling!” by the otherwise terminally bored state employee. I guess it’s because a smile isn’t your normal expression, and by smiling on your ID, you’re attempting to alter your appearance in preparation for something devious.

After the smile ban, we were herded to the quartermaster’s office to be issued clothing by surly inmates who apparently delight in taking random measurements that have absolutely nothing to do with the clothing issued; those, again, coming in standard state sizes of extra small and Orca fat, with each inmate receiving a mixed bag of both sizes.

I personally was issued three light blue button-up shirts in size Orca, one pair of blue pants (with pockets!!!) designed for a ridiculously fat midget, one pair of blue pants suitable for a clown on stilts, and one pair of blue pants that almost, sorta, fit. I was among the lucky few that were able to actually change into their non-returnable clothing – state clothing being issued once a year or by special dispensation from the Pope – many were unable to button shirts or zip up pants. Read More »

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6-03-09 (10:00 p.m.) The Long Road to Lebanon: Organ Leggers, Moon Landings, and Other Various Bullshit

June 29, 2009 – 8:49 am

Well, I just got to Lebanon, and boy, is my ass sore. Actually, if I’m being honest, all of the rest of me is sore, while my ass has reached some sort of critical mass of pain heretofore unexperienced by mankind. I am gummy, smelly, and possibly in a mild state of shock. Everything seems distant and third-person at the moment. But enough about now, let us move on into the past, where the funny stuff lives….

The day started out at zero four-thirty with a skinny, evil, weasel-faced CO named Buzzard shaking my bunk and glowering at me, consequently shattering and grinding into the dust a dream of such awesome potential, I can only say here that it contained Jessica Alba and Drew Barrymore dressed as cowboys while monkeys in ninja suits and riding armored dogs warred against each other. We marched quickly past the awesome breakfast of PB&J and a lump of frozen pineapple juice, to the 3-Man Squat and Cough event. After then playing “Who’s Hiding Stuff in Their Butt”, things slowed down a bit as we stepped into our one-piece, nut-crushing DRC jumpsuits and slapped on our shackles, cuffs, and belly chains to wait on the bus, and by 7 a.m. we were on the road to CMC.

The trip to CMC – Correctional Medical Center or Central Medical Center, depending on whom you ask – wasn’t long, at least in subjective time, due to the fact that I kinda blanked out as we drove past the field where I used to take Rooster to soccer practice, and I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of that trip until they started yelling to get off of the bus. Shuffling off of the bus, we trudged into the weird prison hospital and were separated into different cells, based on where we were eventually going. Rick Ross, who was off to Mansfield, and Justice, who was off to Chillicothe, shrugged goodbye at me as they were herded into their respective cells… and they were never seen again. Read More »

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Sometime in May, possibly Friday (2:30 p.m.) Mississippi Hot Dog Water

June 28, 2009 – 11:59 am

Soon, possibly next week, I’ll shake the dust of this place from my crisp white Reeboks and move on to Lebanon, there to concentrate on my most important short-term goal: Getting the hell out of Lebanon. Oddly enough, I find that I’ll miss this weirdass place; I think the drama and people watching have become an addiction and finally vanquished my prison-induced allergy to drama in all its myriad forms. The people I’ve met run the gamut from good people who made a mistake, to the preposterously and ridiculously insane, to those who are so hideously evil that their crimes defy description. The precious few “normal” people that I’ve encountered are, by far, the minority, and also largely responsible for making my stay at MaCI not only not suck, but rock pretty fucking hard. So here’s to Lord British, Justice, Rick Ross, SouperMan, PorterMan, Piratey Goodness, and (the badass of all badasses) Pops – verily do thou rock. Read More »

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5-?-09 (11:30 p.m.) SORRC – Days 4 and 5

June 26, 2009 – 8:41 pm

Honestly, not a lot of funny these days. Well, ok, Day 4 had an awesome questionnaire called “Am I A Rapist” which had me trying manfully not to giggle. You are totally a rapist if you’ve ever had sex with a drunk chick, if you’ve ever laughed at a rape joke (lots of that in here, actually), or (and this one is my personal fave) if you’ve ever used money or power to get someone to have sex with you, directly or indirectly.

You’ve also got your rape face on if you’ve had a fantasy about a random woman – even if that fantasy had nothing to do with rape – or if you’ve ever begged for sex or bartered with your partner for sexual favors… yup, all you married guys should change your name to Rapey McRaperson. Read More »

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Tuesday, 5-19-09 (10:45 p.m.) Day Three – Sociopaths and Videotape

June 4, 2009 – 8:07 am

Day Three has, thus far, been pretty awesome. I totally learned the masturbation cycle today, and I’d like to share it with you. You feel stressed, so you look at porn, then you punch the midget, then you feel guilty, which stresses you out and leads to dancing…er…porn and midget violence (which is a rockin’ name for a Black Metal song)

We also watched a short film (again from the ’80s) featuring a zombie psychologist interviewing two rapists. The first guy was a minister who had over 100 victims, almost all of whom were disadvantages youths with bad home lives. This guy totally creeped me out…he described his crimes with almost no emotion, and you just expected him to start cackling or get all misty-eyed and dreamy during the interview. Just thinking about this guy makes me sick. Read More »

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Monday, 5-18-09 (11:00 p.m.) Day Two of SORRC

June 3, 2009 – 12:27 pm

Day Two was way less funny than Day One, though I did find out that I totally got the highest score on the pre-test – I rocked the house with a 97/100. I am sooo gonna be the best sex offender ever (note: this is a joke.) No, today, we discussed change and the 8 major thinking errors, which is actually good stuff to cover here, and were it not for the fact that the classes are time-limited, would do a ton of good for a lot of these guys.

Honestly, I could run this down and be dismissive about the classes because *I* don’t need them, but a lot of these guys do. One of the exercises today was to answer the question “If you died today, what would people say about you?” Some of the answers depressed the hell out of me, like one guy said, “No one ever had anything good to say about me and I’d just like to pass,” and the raw pain in his voice almost destroyed me. Read More »

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Friday, 5-15-09 (9:00 a.m.) SORRC Hooooo!

June 2, 2009 – 4:13 am

SORRC, Sex Offender Risk Reduction Class (the whole reason they ship all of the sex offenders here and pack ‘em in a warehouse), is a week-long course of education that consists primarily of movies and statistics from the ’80s and, if we’re lucky, role playing. Day One has been a giant source of amusement with the occasional dash of sheer horror thrown in for spice.

Right off the bat, you are given a pre-test with such questions as “All women have rape fantasies and want a man to force them to have sex.” Should anyone be wondering, the answer is apparently ‘yes…I mean no.’ (Sorry, bit of a sex offender joke there). Seriously though, I wonder if they track stats on how many people answer “true”. I’d bet it’s pretty high, actually. Read More »

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Tuesday, 04-28-09 (4:00 p.m.) Dorm Life

June 1, 2009 – 10:39 am

Life in this particular prison dorm may or may not be like the other prison dorms (though I imagine they share an awful lot), but by damn is it interesting. The differences between dorm and cell life are many, and in some (ok, most) cases an improvement, though honestly I’d still prefer a cell for cleanliness. Cells certainly do not have prayer call, skittle call, roaming groups of R&B singers, Christian Crusades, or the sheer variety of insanity that dorms (this one, at any rate) have. This particular dorm has been described by me as the Warehouse of Weirdos, and a more apt description you’ll not find. Read More »

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Monday, 4-27-09 (3:55 p.m.) I’m Dying…Hopefully Anyway

May 31, 2009 – 11:15 am

Yes, less than a week in this dorm, this hideously germ-infested dorm, and I’ve managed to catch something. My guess is that it’ll be fatal; at least I’m seriously hoping for death right about now. Unfortunately, I’ll most likely survive this and just be stupidly miserable and whiny for a while. It takes 3-5 days to get in to see the nurse, so I’ll just suffer (and whine) my way through it.

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